Monday, March 4, 2013

Moving on

A little heartbroken, but it has been a week, and we are slowly beginning to heal.
What is the hardest part of a miscarriage?

Maybe the part when I don't know what to say.
Some people know.  I haven't kept it a secret, but then I didn't announce it on FB either.
Phone calls about cub scouts - people with needs, and having no desire to meet any of those needs, rather than just curling up in a ball and letting everything go on without me. I wish it were like that.
People who do know who don't know what to say.  I could just keep going.

The hardest part of my miscarriage has been layers.
Not knowing what to expect - at all.
Having a crappy doctor who has been super crappy.
Having my husband stay home from work for three days, to nurse his bronchitis and a sinus infection.
Wanting to be babied, but having a sick husband who wants to be babied, and kids who still need lunches and rides and to get to school.
The whole world continuing to spin and not knowing the depth of my pain while I wish that time would stand still.

That probably sums most of it up.  And adding insult to injury, blood draws every other day to make sure that my pregnancy hormones are diminishing back down to zero.  Slap to the face that one.

There's my rant.  Thanks for your indulgence.  I try not to pity party, but if I can't now, I'm not sure when I could.

On the bright side, (I find a new doctor) I don't think the doctor can be quite so hasty in slapping that big red INFERTILITY diagnosis stamp across my name anymore.  We did it without the reproductive endocrinologist's help.  Worst doctor ever.

Also, not knowing what to expect, I was surprised that that's all it was.  I was down for one day (mostly from fear), and then up for a bike ride and most normal functioning (except for a few naps and taking it a little easier than normal) the next day.  I've had way worse before - was surprised that that was a miscarriage.

Sinus infection and bronchitis are almost better. Kids are resilient, and I once again have the post Sunday bomb awaiting me with open arms.  Dishes to do, and laundry to fold and put away.  I've got a bright new week ahead of me.


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