I would definitely be lying if I pretended like everything was perfect. Some days are way up, and some not so up.
Last week I went in for an emergency surgery to try and stop the excessive prolonged bleeding I've been dealing with for the past month. I'd been working with my doctor, trying different medicines, doing different tests and nothing seemed to be working. When it started to speed up with the last medicine experiment, he called for our plan B - the surgery.
Well, I was hooked up to my IV, the anesthesiologist had gone through everything with me and was ready to go. Just before they wheeled me through the doors, I noticed a nurse huddle outside the drape and my Dr. joined them. He came back to tell me that my routine blood tests had come back and HcG had been detected in my blood. Essentially, I was pregnant.
After 6+ years of trying (well, 10 total) and several previous rounds of fertility drugs, this came as quite the shock (this wasn't a result of fertility drugs this time). In a daze, we shuffled home. On top of this all, my husband has been on crutches for the past week and hasn't been able to help. He's been worried and stressed about work, and it's been quite the mix.
After heading to the lab yesterday, the Dr. told me that my numbers which had been 102 on Friday were now only 147 - he would have expected at least 300+ by this time. So, as it appears, this is a very abnormal pregnancy and if my body doesn't expel it naturally, we will have to have re-schedule my surgery.
To be short, I thought I was okay, but I think devastated would probably be a better term for it. On the rational and spiritual side, I'm fine. I'm at peace and I understand that I don't always get what I want (wait...I don't?). This morning at 3:30 am however, the emotional side kicked in and it isn't so great. I thought I could escape it by reading (my usual escape), but it only worked temporarily. My kids were frustrating this morning and wouldn't get going. I finally told them they were on their own. I'm afraid they took a slice of bread to school for their lunch - that's the kind of mother I am today. My house is a mess and I have so much to do, I'm having a tough time finding that starting spot.
I realize that this will pass, and there are much worse things in the world - like leprosy - that's one I really wouldn't want. I also know things will get better - they always do, but today, I'm struggling. I guess today I haven't had everyone calling or stopping by, and I finally have the luxury of being sad and crying about it. Yesterday my phone rang and rang. Talking about it - doesn't really help. I'm just looking for some emotional healing that I know will take time, patience, and a few tears.
4 days ago